That's PROFESSYM Chomstein to You!
I've always been a strong believer in the words of Aristotle: "The fate of empires depends on the education of youth." So it was with great pride that I recently accepted an invitation to teach a course on "Institutional Racism and the Kama Sutra" at one of my old alma maters, Evergreen State College.
Evergreen is a progressive liberal arts college that focuses on interdisciplinary, collaborative and team-taught academic programs, rather than passive reception of information through selfish, individualistic thought-processes. Whereas some universities espouse a capitalistic educational system in which students are forced to compete for grades, ESC prefers a kinder, more socialist learning environment where students develop their skills through "shared study groups", or "pods". Thus, ESC transcends the primitive, gender-based concepts of "ration" and "reason" to embrace crossdressing and self-mutilation as forms of higher knowledge. Most importantly, everyone at Evergreen is stoned completely out of their gourds.
Indeed, some of my fondest ESC memories are of the many afternoons spent beneath the statue of Josef Stalin with my fellow pod people, passing around a bong full of grade-A campus-grown doobie. I've always had a place in my heart for Evergreen, and was looking forward to reuniting with some of my old mentors, only now as a colleague instead of a student.
Unfortunately, when college representatives asked me to come down for an interview Friday so they could go over my credentials and qualifications, I had to decline. As I explained to them, I like to spend my Fridays burning American flags, pissing on the graves of 9/11 victims, and wiping my ass with the Bible. But when they realized what a staunch defender of Free Speech I was, they agreed to dispense with the formalities and simply hire me on the spot.
Not so fast. Ward Churchill might blindly accept tenure at any two-bit university that doesn't require a psych test, but Prof. Larry Chomstein isn't that easy. I had to make sure that Evergreen still met my high standards as a progressive. So I took today off and drove down to Olympia to tour the school.
As I walked about the campus, watching students congregating in their small, collaborative learning pods, I began to notice a disturbing pattern: everyone looked strikingly similar, if you know what I mean. Every student and teacher looked like carbon copies of one another, and more I thought about it, the angrier I got. For a college that prides itself on diversity, I was seeing very little of it. Apparently, alot had changed since I wandered those hallowed halls, stoned out of my gourd. A once stalwart bastion of inclusion and multiculturalism, Evergreen had sadly transformed into the eugenic breeding grounds of the master race.
Well, needless to say, I marched myself right into the Dean of Admissions office and pounded my fist on her flotation tank.
"ARE YOU AWARE THAT THERE ISN'T ONE SINGLE MIDGET ON THIS ENTIRE CAMPUS?" I demanded.
I heard the familar sloshing of saline solution as she sat up inside her metallic chamber.
"Midgets built this country!" I continued. "We fought bravely in the American Revolution. We stormed the Bastille in the Civil War. We kicked the Hun's shins in WW2. But throughout history, we've been treated like second class citizens - shunned, ridiculed, and shut out of amusement park rides as if we were somehow less than human. I am incensed - nay, OUTRAGED that an institution such as this one would disenfranchise an entire class of people simply because we're half your size. I may have practiced drawing "Blinky" off the back of matchbook for a whole month to get this job, but I'll be damned if I'll sink so low as to teach at a heightest indoctrination camp run by modern day Mengeles!!"
The tank creaked open. The Dean sat there in stunned silence for a moment, regaining her bearings after her transdimensional voyage. Then in one fluid movement, she leapt out of the tank, pulled off her goggles and glared angrily at me.
"Excuse me, Mr. uhhh..."
"Chomstein. PROFESSOR Chomstein!" I told her. "But I prefer the gender-neutral 'Professym', if you don't mind."
"First of all, Professym Chomstein, we have at least 37 midgets enrolled at Evergreen, more than half of which are transgendered albino midgets. Since they exist below your eye level, perhaps you failed to see them. Ignorance and intolerance always go hand in hand."
Ooh, that stung!
"Secondly," she continued, her long, furry breasts swinging like two cats on a clothesline. "The word 'midget' is derogatory and beneath an alumni of this institution, let alone a college professym. I believe the politically correct term is 'Little People', and we'd prefer you use it here."
Now she was getting nasty.
"Finally, I find it incredibly offensive that you constantly refer to yourself as a "midget" when you're obviously well over six feet tall."
For someone with as many body-piercings as herself, she sure wasn't very open minded. I decided to let her have it right across her trepanned skull.
"Miss...?" I began
"MISTER Lang," she/he spat. "But I prefer the gender neutral, 'Mfgnee.'"
"Excuse ME, Mister Mfgnee, but although I may not 'look midget enough' for your satisfaction, my great grandmother was 1/4 midget. That makes me 1/32 midget, and damn proud of it! I'm officially recognized by at least 3 different midget organizations. Billy Barty was my godfather. As an active member of the vertically-challenged community, I will stand on a chair with my midget brothers against tall male hegemony and a heightocentric society that seeks to destroy the rich cultural heritage of the oppressed midget peoples.
And as for the term "midget", it is indeed derogatory when uttered by intolerant, non-midget nazis such as yourself. However, we Little People have adopted the term and employ it to express a sense of unity and brotherhood, id est: 'Yo whazzup, midgetz?' or "Ya'll one straight up midget!'"
So go ahead and snicker. Go ahead and call me 'Pee Wee' and make your short guy jokes. It only accentuates what a bigoted, hatemongering little Eichmann you really are."
We went back and forth like that for a good twenty minutes. When the smoke finally cleared, I was ironically informed that my services as an instructor of "Institutional Racism and the Kama Sutra" were no longer required.
Folks, you're looking at the new Professym of "Midget Studies and the Kama Sutra" at Evergreen State College!
Chalk one up for the little guy!
The highest result of education is tolerance.
- Helen Keller