Two long years have passed since the beginning of Bush's illegal, immoral, and unsanctioned-by-France invasion of Iraq. According to the flashing neon tote-board in Michael Moore's living room, over 1,500 troops have died without dignity. Goddess knows we've tried everything in the book to make the Shrub take his war toys and go home. Petitions. Protest marches. Organized hissy fits. Yet despite all our feminine hysterics, the chimp simply won't listen to reason.
But do not despair, for our beloved MoxieGrill's(http://www.moxiegrrrl.com
"I am going to marry a man. And I'm going to encourage everyone to marry someone of their own gender. And if we can get enough people, we can have one big ceremony on the White House lawn. And then, after the marrying, comes the hot man sex...We are going to make George W. Bush watch live amateur gay porn on his front lawn in punishment for allowing and encouraging every travesty his cabal of bastards commits upon the world."
Not since's Kid Bastard shaved his balls for Jerry's Kids and ignited his farts for the endangered sea manatee, has his brilliant mind hatched such a noble and selfless plan. But it's been two weeks since he made his pledge, and the White House lawn remains oddly man-sex-free. Maybe his standards are too high. Maybe he's not shaking his little moneymaker around the right gay bars. But each day that he procrastinates, more Iraqi children suffer. Helpless, innocent Iraqi children, each holding a fluffy kitten with big, sad eyes.
So to assist him in his endeavor, I have rounded up three upstanding members of the Gay Community who would be more than happy to sodomize the crap out of Kid Bastard in the name of World Peace.
Bachelor #1: My cousin Dale just wrapped up a 15 year stint at the McNeil Island Corrections Center in Steilacom, Washington, and he's lookin' for some red hot lovin'. A compassionate crusader for social justice, Dale is horrified by the atrocities at Abu Ghraib and is anxious to teach Bush a lesson by buggering Kid Bastard. With his Level Three sex offender rating, he's highly skilled in the Art of Love - and with some fava beans and a nice chianti, he'll treat Kid Bastard to the night of his life.
Bachelor #2: Hairy back. Five o'clock shadow. Toothless grin. Rheumy, bloodshot, eyes. But enough about Moxiegrill. Lester, my former liberal arts professor at UC Berkeley, is ready to settle down with a "progressive, open-minded free spirit" who enjoys long walks on the beach, romantic evenings by the fire, the works of Oscar Wilde, and being spanked with a cricket bat "like the naughty little slut he is". A family man at heart, Lester has three beautiful children tied up in the trunk of his car. "But they won't be bothering us...not anymore, anyway."
Bachelor #3: Do you like Pina Colada? Jayjay is a socially conscious liberal whose forte is a pina colada enema that'll knock your birkenstocks off. Recently kicked out of the Boy Scouts simply because of his sexuality, Jayjay has has nothing but contempt for intolerant Christian evangelicals. "We're not 'freaks' to be mocked and ridiculed," he says as he carefully adjusts his tiara. "Homosexuality is a natural, beautiful celebration of love between two or more caring human beings and, in some cases, consenting adult rodents or other forms of open-minded livestock."
There they are, the cream of the Gay Community crop. Due to restraining orders and parole conditions, none of these gentleman can come within 500 feet of the White House, but they're perfectly willing to meet Kid Bastard in this white trailer
for a night of unbridled passion. The blessed occasion will be video taped, and copies sent to each member of George Bush's bloodthirsty cabal, with a warning that Kid Bastard is fully prepared to have even more man sex until all U.S. forces are withdrawn from the Middle East. Don't think he won't, Shrub!
It's not like he wasn't already having man sex anyway.